the art of conversation…where on earth has it gone?

cityhippyfarmgirl

Sitting on the bus I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was different. Slowly looking around me I suddenly realised, the bus had an energy. It was animated in here, there were people acting like, well real people.

Not signed into their electronic devices like my usual bus rides. Faces staring into tiny lit screens as a bus load of robot clones would.

No. On this bus ride, there was a wonderful vibrancy. There was life.

People were reading paper paged books (I know!) they were talking, a toddler gently traced circles on a window as his mother lovingly leaned into him. The kiss that she placed carefully at the back of his neck, going completely unnoticed as he was so intent on the passing view.

There was a man who had almost given into sleep. As the bus would lean into the corners, so would his body. Swaying just a little further than it should, only to lurch back instinctively, wake him slightly and then for him to fall again into that sleepy warm air bus slump.

There were conversations, a couple kissed, others looked out windows and simply mused on a passing world. Not one person held a digital device in their hands.

I patted my bag with my phone inside rather contentedly and perhaps a little smugly. I don’t need you phone, there is life happening all around me and I intend to soak up every little bit of it.

Weeks later on another journey, again on a bus I wasn’t quite so smug. I had succumbed to the phone, and was using the seated time to read an article I had wanted to during the week. I wasn’t updating a facebook status or doing a bus ride selfie. I was reading an article on suicide prevention and mental illness, so in my head I had rationalised the use of my phone. In my head I was smugly using it justifiably.

It was 8pm and dark outside, while I usually didn’t, tonight I was. Completely absorbed in what my phone had to offer. I didn’t notice the young teenaged boy sit next me. I was aware of him sure, but not enough to even raise my head a little. I had my phone you see.

Do you like the Roosters or Rabbitohs?

Eh?? Oh that’s directed to me?

Err, neither…I replied.

Oh…. Bulldogs or Eels? He quizzed.

Um, no not those either sorry.

Any league team? He asked with slight edge of desperation.

No, not really… (my phone gets discretely shoved into my bag at this stage.)

Any sport? he asks, a little deflated now.

Um… I like soccer? I offer

Great, what team? He says with a little spark again in his eye.

Socceroos? I say.

Yeah, me too! We both seem relieved.

Sitting in silence for a bit and I discretely check out his friends who are standing in the bus aisle. They weren’t dressed like juvenile delinquents, they didn’t look high, didn’t smell or act like they’d been drinking and weren’t graffiting the seats while distracting the other bus riders with idle chit chat. I felt like it was my turn to deliver on the conversation front now.

So where are you all going?

Just up to the local park, he said happily, and again we sat quietly.

A little further on and the bus stopped. The stop was his one and the group of friends tumbled out the back doors, into the early evening. As my teen conversation starter got up to go he said politely, have a good night, it was really nice talking to you.

You too mate, you too… my voice trailed off after him as the doors shut.

My brain was a little confused. I wasn’t quite sure of the last time a fourteen year old boy had voluntarily talked to me in a public spot. Not since I was fourteen myself I suspected.

cityhippyfarmgirl

I got off the bus a few stops later, and patted my silenced phone inside my bag. Yep, still there, I hadn’t been unknowingly pick pocketed. I also hadn’t seemed to be the subject of some odd childhood prank, been filmed and uploaded to youtube.

What I had instead was a tiny conversation that had completely thrown me and to be honest, had made my day. While throwing me and at the same time making me happy, in some ways it also made me a little sad. This was our reality now, instead of a conversation on a bus with a young stranger being a normal thing, it was now such an oddity and something to be scrutinised.

As I walked the rest of the way home, I couldn’t help but wonder. What on earth had happened, to the simple art of conversation?

The art of conversation

When was the last time you had a good conversation? I mean a really good conversation.

What makes a good conversation? This really depends on the person or people who are talking. Everyone’s ideal could be completely different. You can do courses, read books, go to seminars, and practice practice practice until your tongue is bleeding and ears are throbbing, yet still conversation can be tricky at times for some people.

My conversation skills went down the gurgler after I became a mum. My husband was working long hours, my at home conversation was limited to baby/ toddler talk, and when I did meet up with other parents. Conversation was always peppered with “Watch out.”  “Hang on”. “Not so many.” “Turn around.” “Are you ok?” “Poo?” “Oh we have to go now.” Times that by two if you are conversing with one other parent, times by three if there are three of you etc etc. Conversations are left hanging, statements are left unchallenged and you just do the best you can in the crucial few seconds you get together to talk.

At home, husband gets back knackered from work, you are so starved of adult conversation- so blurt out a whole days worth of stored up conversations from your head in the space of one minute. Words roll out quicker than a toilet stop in an Indian street diner. Kids haven’t seen Dad all day and excitedly do the same.

Public speaking? I would  rather eat my own elbow… At no point has public speaking been a comfortable place. I know for a lot of people public speaking can be tricky. Sweaty palms, talking too quietly, talking too fast, fidgety fingers, saying the wrong things, mental blanks…

Mental blanks, now there is something that went hand in hand for me on becoming a Mama. Along with being starved of adult conversation, your brain turns to mush. No really it does. Those lovely hormones rolling around your body that let you concentrate on making this baby and then bonding with this baby when born, turn everything else to mush. Anything not crucial and to do with that babies welfare gets pushed to the side lines waiting to be retrieved when ever possible at a later date. It could be weeks, months or even years before those brain cells make their way back to where they can be used again. Frequently I would be conversing, saying something I felt really passionate about, I had the floor, the attention was mine and…. I would forget.

Just like that. Mid sentence and my thoughts have fled. No idea what so ever in what I was talking about. That’s fine if you are with another brain-cell-on-holidays mama that can identify with it as she has had her own fair share of cell withdrawals, but for someone that hasn’t had this happen, they look at you like you are quite nutty. How the hell can you forget what you are talking about when YOU are the one talking?? Sometimes I found it really frustrating, but the second time around, I just thought… ah, well…next time….wonder what I was talking about?…oh what a cute little baby he is.

My hat certainly gets taken off to any parent that can be sleep deprived, breastfeeding, juggling older kids and still able to hold their own in a corporate meeting, engage in conversation about up to date world politics or competantly do anything that involves words longer than milk and poo.

It came to a point when I was in a social setting where I had been so starved of conversation for a period, that I put about a months worth of words into the space of 20 minutes. My tongue was on speed and it wasn’t pretty. I left the gathering exhausted and thinking, “What the hell was that!!”

Vowing not to let that happen again, I slowed down. I listened, really listened, I thought about what I was going to say, I reflected and then responded.

It made a difference. Suddenly conversations were easier again. I didn’t have to blurt everything out in seconds, scared that this was my only chance to voice my thoughts while The Monkeys were distracted and I had someones attention. And if I do forget to say something, or get distracted or just simply think of something else to add, well this is where the wonders of technology come in, I can text, email or phone my add ins. As The Monkeys get older, the brain cells are slowly making their way back to an almost functioning level of competence. It sneaks up on me, as I excitedly realise that I just managed a WHOLE conversation, remembered what I was talking about, didn’t get interrupted by kids, and engaged in a discussion….

…and I like that.