the pause

I had a long honest post. I wrote it. It sat there. I read it, then read it again.

I then decided it was probably a bit too honest, and then deleted it.

So instead I’ll write… I stopped, I paused and that feels a whole lot better.

I also want to acknowledge the fact that parenting is hard. Juggling two small children, a young baby and a husband that works really long hours, with no other help can be hard at times. Really hard.

So what do I need to do?

Acknowledge that some moments, days, weeks are hard. Allowing myself to feel that and not try and suck it up all the time.

Be realistic and not try to do too many things. Lower my expectations a little and remember that things change all the time.

See beauty that sits around me.

Take time out for me. The world won’t come to a rolling stop, if I take a half an hour off to sit and stare vacantly into a coffee cup.

Remember to stretch, and most importantly… breathe.

Honestly, I think things will be just fine and for those days when it’s not so fine?

That’s fine too…

(and there is nothing quite like a family fun beast of a virus to give you some perspective.)

*****

Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate all of them lovely people.

Now, what’s been happening with you?


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34 thoughts on “the pause

  1. I remember those days Brydie and they were hard. And long! They do pass but getting through them is really tough. With two small children and a new baby you are probably at the toughest stage. I can honestly tell you, it does get better. xx

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  2. Glad to see you back. Its hard to not expect so much of ourselves. Women are just such superstars these days and we just wont let ourselves have it any other way. You are an amazing person, I can tell from your words. You need to rest that weary head sometimes its true. You have said just perfectly enough
    http:www.mykitchenstories.com.au

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  3. You will probably get a lot of comments like this but I too remember that feeling. And I also remember feeling the more I struggled with EVERYTHING the more inadequate I felt. We are very tough on oursleves as mothers and parents sometimes and it can often be a long road accepting that ( 6 kids later and I have only just acknowledged I was trying to be super mum/super executive and hold it all togetherer!)
    Take some time to smell the roses and the rest will follow.
    Thinking of you xx

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  4. Yes, you’re correct – “Remember to stretch, and most importantly… breathe.”

    Take it easy on yourself. Women today are portrayed as being able to do everything, all the time. Utter nonsense. As long as your family goes to bed with full tummies and a loving hug, the dust is swept off the furniture once a month LOL and you have time to pamper yourself (for who else is going to do it?) then I reckon that you’re doing well. Especially when illness strikes little ones. They need you more than a clean house, a well planned and presented meal and overstretching yourself. In times like these you must come first – for if you give way, then they will suffer.

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  5. I think back on the time when my second child was a demanding little beast of a baby…I think I went quite mad for that entire six month period. I used to visualise throwing her out of the window…we had a big yellow skip outside the window and I would picture her sailing through the window and landing in it. I used to sometimes lock myself out of the room because I could not bear to hear her crying. My most effective strategy was to call my husband’s mobile phone and just hold it in front of the crying baby’s mouth. In those days you had to listen to the entire message before you got the option to delete it. The longer the message, the more urgency he recognised in it. I am not proud of those moments, and I often wish I could go back now in my calmer state, with more perspective and more energy and handle it all better. But I did the best I could at the time. I have two absolutely wonderful kids and consider myself bloody lucky to have them. So be kind to yourself, no matter how badly you handle some things now. In the greater scheme of things it won’t matter. And know that we have all been there too…and come out the other end as you will too.

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  6. Oh goodness parenting can be hard at times can’t it. You’re right some days aren’t great but thats ok. I think as mums we forget that sometimes and are too hard on ourselves. I hope you fine that space to breathe each day. hugs xx

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  7. You’re back.
    Even without children I sometimes find myself in the same ‘it’s all to hard’ head space too, nothing like a bit of perspective to get me back in line though.
    It’s good to see you back cityhippyfarmgirl.
    x

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  8. I think being the mother of a new baby is so difficult. I recognize the comment above about the baby out the window. We lived in the third floor and I deliberately kept the door to the balcony shut, because I thought having to open the door would make me stop long enough to think about what I was doing. My baby cried every afternoon from 5.00 until at least 8.00 and I nearly went mad. I used to feel like an absolute shit, when he would finally go to sleep and look like a little angel in his bed.
    I can’t imagine doing it with 2 other small children.
    My baby survived and became the most delightful little boy and today is his 39th birthday and he is a delightful man.
    As difficult as it can be, the first few years are also wonderful and go so quickly.

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  9. Welcome back Brydie. Being a mum to three is hard work, especially when they are small. But I think this time of year it can be hardest of all, when the walls feel like they are closing in on you. Its good to step back and get some perspective. I just try to remember to get outside when the sun is shining. It is so much easier once we close the door behind us. We have all been sick with the flu for a week now and now it is my turn to lie in bed. If only I didn’t feel so rotten it would be quite lovely really.

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  10. I’m so sorry I missed your last Post Brydie. Such a tough gig isn’t it. You’re doing an amazing job! I will never forget how hard those first 6 months (or more) were with newborn twins and the 2 and 4 year old in the mix. I tell everyone how challenging I found it because now that the kids are older I think it looks (and it is) pretty civilised in comparison to those early months and it’s so easy to forget but I NEVER will. I didn’t have family help either. My expectations have definitely lowered. I think I run on adrenalin for the first 3 months after the births and then get totally exhausted with the relentless groundhog day but on a 3-4 hourly cycle and fall into a bit of a heap. All very normal. It’s entirely possible to be totally grateful and love what you have but still be having a crap time occasionally. I used to feel guilty about that. I made sure I did absolutely nothing in the evenings after 7pm when the older kids went to bed. A wine, a bit of telly or watching a DVD, hang out with the hubby, dishes left till the morning, who cares! I see you are making something – that is a gorgeous shade of green!! Take care. Mel xx

    And PS – staring vacantly at a pot plant, the view or a tree is something I do all the time 😀

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  11. Hi I’m new to your blog. Can I say thank you for your honesty. I’m a mum of two boys now 14 and 11 plus a husband who also works very long hrs 7 days a week.

    I was living overseas when I had our second son 1st was 6 months when we moved and 13 mths when second came along and no family support either. I had sick babies such that when second baby was born and ready to come home first baby was in hospital at the same time.

    I was told that I had PND at 6 weeks and it took 2 years to back to normal. I had to find people to help me, that understood where I was at, who wouldnt judge me, as my man was at work day and night.

    It will get better just take one day at a time. Set very small goals.

    I could go on and on but I just want you to know that we are all here and you are not only.

    Your new friend

    Sam

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  12. Sounds like you have done exactly the right thing in taking a pause. It is not uncommon for me to want to hit ‘pause’ on life and I am only worrying about myself! I hope you have some people around to offer support and a pair of hands.

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  13. I know!
    it is not easy. we have developed this hydillic picture of raising small kids, but the truth is far from hydillic… wonderful and rewarding but it gets so scary when they are sick and can be draining even when they are healthy, if they have way too much energy… and the bad thing is that while we are really doing the hardest job on the planet it often feels like we are not accomplishing anything. so take those pauses as much as you can. you really deserve them.
    kram (hug in Swedish)

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  14. I don’t have any words of advice, but glad that you took time to pause. Sometimes when things get overwhelming for me though, I like doing a bit of star gazing (literally) – puts things into perspective for me.
    Take care and look after yourself.
    (And many thanks for your email of amazing birth info & links)

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  15. Hellooooo! I have missed you so!

    Pauses are good. Vacant stares into coffee cups are good. Breathing is GOOD. Concentrate on the good things and the rest will fall into place. You are one special mama who has a good head on her shoulders. Be kind to yourself and your monkeys will follow your lead. I completely understand about the husband working long hours..this was much of my girls’ early childhood. I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately but didn’t want to ‘bug’ you in your pause. It’s good to see you again. xx

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  16. I have no advice- although it sounds like you have gotten a great deal of good advice and comradery – I just wanted tp say that I really admire you from afar- that I missed you- and that you are so full of life and joy and good hope that you inspire those around you;
    Glad you are back! xxx

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  17. Oh honey i know exactly what you are saying even though you did not say it.. I remember once sitting my bum IN a basket of wet washing under the clothes line watching the kids in the evening light and just crying with tiredness and frustration, my husband had been going to try and get home for dinner with the children so that i could race out and get my hair done, i had everything ready and once again he calls to say he is going to be late.. I just hauled another load out of the washer, took it outside and just wept.. I will never forget that moment.. And it passed, and i got better and stronger. and you will too for sure, c

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  18. I don’t have children, so cannot even pretend to know what it’s like. My own life is so busy without them, that I must bow to those women who can juggle anything more at all than that most important job of being a good mother to their children. You do need time out for yourself to recharge the batteries, whatever that time out may be from. Never feel bad about that, since you can’t be there for the ones you love and care for if you don’t care for yourself first. We’ve all missed you, but we also can all wait for you to do what you need to do, and we’ll still be here…ready when you are! 🙂

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  19. It was so lovely to see your post in my inbox this morning – you’ve been missed! I don’t have any children so I do not know how hard it is (but I can imagine it must be really difficult, so the reality must be 20 times more than what I can visualise). I know I sometimes struggle with working very long hours and trying to keep a clean home and manage all the chores I have to do just to look after myself and my beloved cat so my heart goes out to you. I think all the advice in the previous comments from other mums is spot on – as long as you, the kids and your husband are okay then nothing else matters : ) And my number one tip (apart from breathing which you already know) is to be kind to yourself xx

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  20. Ladies I’m blown away by your honesty and kind words.

    To everyone, thank you for taking that time to comment. It’s incredibly reassuring to read about other people’s experiences.

    No other words, but thank you…really.

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  21. One of my favourite lines I heard recently (I think it might have been on agony aunts but not sure) is “We thought we could have it all, instead we are ending up doing it all”. Life is constantly about choices and I don’t think it is wrong that some choices are all about you as I have no doubt that so many choices aren’t about you. Enjoy your time out when you manage it!

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  22. I was excited to see your post but saddened to read about how you are feeling as I’ve been there too. Thanks for being honest and opening up a dialogue on your blog for us mums. It’s good that you are aware of how you are feeling and taking the time that you need to just be. Sometimes there is pressure to act like everything is perfect, ignoring how we really feel and feeling ‘selfish’ if we put ourselves first. I like to believe that if we look after ourselves first, we can be better people for the others in our life. And that after a storm the sun will shine! Much love and light, Marissa x

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  23. Recently, I realized that my theory that if I just got through this (whatever it was Christmas season, end of semester, dig, birthday season – you get the idea) I would have time for whatever project I (or someone else) was trying to add to my list and life. I realized it is not true and never will be I am busy – crazy busy – and I either have to figure out what I don’t want to do, learn to say no, or go crazy. Currently, opting for crazy. Be easy on yourself, Parenting is hard, being a wife is hard, life is hard, you are juggling a lot, sometimes that goes well and sometimes the balls are aiming for your face. Enjoy it and let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling.

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  24. There is nothing so tiring and crazy and wonderful as having little children in the house. Remember to be gentle to yourself and to take the ‘easy ‘ option when you can. I think us mums that cook ‘real ‘ food and do things ‘the old fashioned way’ forget that there are times where it is okay to bend a little. We can be too hard on ourselves sometimes.
    Find some time for yourself and just breathe. Then buy fish and chips for tea…..then eat one whole block of chocolate .
    kimxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  25. Good on you for saying it Bridie. It can be darn hard being a mum with little support. Enjoy your time, cherish the pause…. and yes, stretch and breathe, you’re so worth it lovely lady. As someone has already said ‘your posts are worth waiting for’, so we’ll all be here. xx

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  26. I am so happy you are back. Your words give me a lot of comfort. I think we all need to remember that parenting can be hard as well – as I’m sitting here these days looking at pregnant women, knowing it’s going to come my way within a year or two. I can never ever identify myself with the new mothers I see in the coffee shops in Cardiff, passing their perfectly dressed newborn around, sipping latte and talking in baby voices about how wonderful it is to be a mother and how beautiful birth is and waaa waa waa.. It freaks me out. I had a meltdown. I felt miserable. I am no lattedrinking babyloving perfectionist. I am terrified of having children, but I would love a family. I have fears. So many fears. Will I be a good mother? Will I have enough time for myself? I mean. I’ve been such a hermit all my life, needing a lot of time and space to think, do and evolve. What will it be like? What will I feel like? Will I like being a mother? Will I hate it? All I do know is that I will have a man who will help me and be a wonderful father, and right now, that is enough for me. I will do it, like women have done it before, forever. I will just have to find my way. So I find enormous comfort in your words of hardship and hope. It’s not easy, but you know.. It can be glorious. I believe.

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  27. I can imagine three two kids and a baby is hard with a husband who works long hours. My husband is on 12 hour shifts right now, and with our new baby boy I’m finding that hard enough. So good on you! And remembering to breathe is always a good thing. Today during Wendel’s nap, with nothing else on the plate, I had the time and energy to do some sewing and it was so great. I have never been so excited about something so simple! 🙂 I hope you are doing wonderful, I think about you and your family often!

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